w

Quotes W

Those who are unhappy have no need for anything but people capable of giving them their attention.

All sins are attempts to fill voids.
--Simone Weil

The ship sank. Get over it.
--Diana Williams

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Everything is in walking distance if you have the time.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so . . . . He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when my prescription ran out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press? I don't get it . . .

My grandfather invented Cliffs Notes. It all started back in 1912. . . . Well, to make a long story short . . .

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

I had to stop driving my car for a while . . . the tires got dizzy.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I was arrested for selling illegal-size paper.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise... He's a mime.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went fishing with a dotted line and caught every other fish.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the entire Earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
--Steven Wright

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Every great man nowadays has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography.

The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.
--Oscar Wilde

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin meaning to rip a man's genitals through his wallet.

We're a trillion dollars in debt. Who do we owe this money to? Someone named Vinnie?

In California, we have a different kind of police. You get stopped in West Hollywood, "Stop! Those shoes don't go with those pants."

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
--Robin Williams

I've heard the New Jersey jokes, but let me tell you, the people from New Jersey have great senses of humor. Of course, they have to. They're from New Jersey.
--Robert Wuhl

All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.
--Alexander Woolcott

We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
--Shelley Winters

If it's a woman, it's caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative.
--Barbara Walters

Anonymous was a woman.

If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people.
--Virginia Woolf

He somewhat inexplicably became a bug.
--Gary Wasserman on Gregor Samsa

I blame Rousseau, myself. "Man is born free," indeed. Man is not born free, he is born attached to his mother by a cord and is not capable of looking after himself for at least seven years--seventy in some cases.
--Katharine Whitehorn

The two sexes mutually corrupt and improve each other.
--Mary Wollstonecraft

Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat!
--Joanne Woodward

A diet counselor once told me that all overweight people are angry with their mothers and channel their frustrations into overeating. So I guess that means all thin people are happy, calm, and have resolved their Oedipal entanglements.
--Wendy Wasserstein

I had a club foot and I had a brace . . . I walked with a limp. Thank God I lived in the ghetto. The people that didn't know me thought I was cool. "Hey, check out this brother's walk."
--Damon Wayans

My only fear about being a lesbian is that the National Enquirer is going to write an article saying I'm really straight.
--Suzanne Westenhoeffer

Sex is the Tabasco sauce which an adolescent national palate sprinkles on every course in the menu.
--Mary Day Winn

My dad is not real bright. But I love the guy. We go into this trophy shop because my basketball team won second place. We were in this shop and there are trophies everywhere. My dad looks around and goes, "This guy is really good."
--Fred Wolfe

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax . . . you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
--Dick Wilson

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified.
--Anita Weiss

I think, therefore I'm single.

I'll never have a baby because I'm afraid I'll leave it on top of my car.
--Liz Winston

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted

So many men, so little time.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Mae: How tall are you?
Man: Six foot seven.
Mae: Well, let's forget about the six foot and talk about the seven inches.

I wrote this story myself. It's all about a girl who lost her reputation, but never missed it.

Marriage is a fine institution--but I'm not ready for an institution.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.

His mother should have thrown him back and kept the stork.

He's the kind of man who picks his friends carefully--to pieces.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

One figure sometimes adds up to a lot.

I was the first liberated woman, y'know. No guy was gonna get the best of me; that's what all my scripts are about.

Virtue has its own reward, but no box office.

To err is human, but it feels divine.
--Mae West

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
--Doctor Who

Talk to me. Or I will do terrible things to you. On purpose.
--Pete Wisdom

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
--Faith Whittlesey

Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.

With all due respect. Be gone!
--Worf

I can take reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
--Jane Wagner

Reality is a collective hunch.
-- Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner

There is no such thing as conversation. There are only intersecting monologues.

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
--Rebecca West

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
--Natalie Wood

My mind is like a tape player with one button--erase.
--Andy Warhol.

Women must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
--Charlotte Whitton

Years ago fairy tales began with "Once upon a time . . ." Now it's "If I am elected . . ."
--Carolyn Warner

Every time a basketball grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
--Marsha Warfield

If you stop to be kind, you must swerve often from your path.
--Mary Webb

I try to focus on a single fandom and it never seems to work. I feel like Homer Simpson. "I am a Sentinel fa-- Oooo! Houston Knights! With *sprinkles!*"
--James Walkswithwind

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