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Quotes S

To this day, no one has settled the controversy over whether Christ's body is literally present in the bread and wine of the Communion. This is unfortunate, since many people were executed for their divergent opinions on this issue. It would be nice to know which ones got burned by mistake.
-- Frank Sulloway, Born to Rebel

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well.

It's not easy becoming a stand-up comic. It's like becoming a murderer. No matter how much people try to talk you out of it, you are going to do it.

I like it when I can go to a place like the supermarket as an adult and get somthing. When I don't want something I can put it back wherever I am in the supermarket because I don't work for the supermarket. I don't care if the store manager is looking right at me. "Yeah, those are my peaches on the Penzoil. What about it?" It's "impulse not buying."

Nothing in life is "fun for the whole family."

I like dogs. I do. But they're not that bright, really. Let's examine the dog mind. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazong. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again. It's that guy. It's that guy . . ."

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about twenty minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around three miles."

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
--Jerry Seinfeld

I just want you to know that there is such a thing as a Gay Mafia. Be careful or they will break the legs on your coffee table.

My Aunt Lorraine said, "Bob, you're gay. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" I said, "No, I'm seeing a lieutenant in the navy."
--Bob Smith

I had my cholesterol checked and it's higher than my SATs. I can now get into any college based on my cholesterol check.

I met a new girl at a barbecue. A very pretty blonde girl, I think. I don't know for sure. Her hair was on fire. All she talked about was herself--one of those kinds of girls. "I'm hot and I'm on fire."

How do you keep sex fresh? Put it in Tupperware.

I am dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
--Gary Shandling

By the way, the Emmy Awards were moved from Pasadena to Los Angeles so that David [Duchovny] could be closer to his wife.
--Gary Shandling, 1998 Emmy Awards

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people--last year we were swept away by the Macarena.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

They are planning a sequel to Forrest Gump. In the sequel, Forrest gets a little bitter and says, "Life is like a box of condoms. You never know which one is going to break."

The pope. Great guy. But in a fashion sense, he's one hat away from being the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

The post office had another paid holiday the other day. I guess all they needed was time off to reload.
--Jon Stewart

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast then."

The last time I tried to get into the normal workforce the guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear high heels, but I am going to need a handicapped parking space.

I wore a neck brace for about a year. It wasn't an accident or anything. I just got tired of holding my head up.

I took my parents back to the airport today . . . they leave tomorrow.
--Margaret Smith

My son has a new nickname for me: "Baldy." Son, I've got a new word for you: "Heredity."

You know you're getting older when you're having sex with someone half your age and it's legal.
--Dan Savage

People come up to me and talk after shows to share their experiences. One guy once said to me, "Well, I'm straight, but I've had a homosexual experience." I'm like, "Exactly what did you do? Buy a pair of shoes and a belt that matched?"

So I go to some pretty rural places talking about being gay, and I'm Jewish as well, so I'm just this big hatred double coupon.
--Scott Silverman

"We, the people of the United States." Which "We, the people"? The women were not included.
--Lucy Stone

If I wanna wear pink dresses, then that's fine.

If the British guy were a woman, I'd be in love.

If I could have sex in iambic pentameter . . .

Catherine is better than you, so I win.

We are comparing Guiness to Bud Lite here people.
--Max Spitzer

Eve was an all right chick.

All these misunderstandings happen because they're in the fog.

We're taking down the Christians when we find them.

I don't make see-through outfits for the sheer fun of it.

Sex knows no Sabbath.
--Deandra Scott

I told you he was the most viable man around.
--Deandra Scott about Dave Chapman

You have such lush hair. It's like Pantene.
--Deandra Scott to Eric Allison

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
--Winston Spear

Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
--Cornelia Otis Skinner

No matter how big or soft or warm your bed is, you still have to get out of it.
--Grace Slick

I grew up Catholic, which is good. It gives you something to work out for the rest of your life.
--Steve Sweeney

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.

I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.
--Jim Samuels

God made man, and then said, "I can do better than that," and made woman.
--Adela Rogers St. John

Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.

The more articulate one is, the more dangerous words become.
--May Sarton

I've taken up meditation. I like to have espresso first to make it more challenging.

When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, "Oh, are you funny?" I say, "No, it's not that kind of comedy."

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
--Betsy Salkind

We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are advantages to living in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department halfway there.
--Ronnie Shakes

We all like stories that make us cry. It's so nice to feel sad when you've nothing in particular to feel sad about.
--Annie Sullivan

In 1969, I was six years old. My father joined Nation of Islam. Six years old. Suddenly there's no Christmas and we have to fast for a month.
--Bobby Slayton

A mutual and satisfied sexual act is of great benefit to the average woman, the magnetism of it is healthgiving. When it is not desired on the part of the woman and she has no response, it should not take place. This is an act of prostitution and is degrading to the woman's finer sensibility, all the marriage certificates to the contrary notwithstanding.
--Margaret Sanger

One of the advantages of living alone is that you don't have to wake up in the arms of a loved one.
--Marion Smith

Data: Will you take care or Spot for me?
Worf: Your animal . . .
Data: I am afraid that if I have another waking dream, I might injure him.
Worf: Of course. Spot, come here!
Data: Unlike a canine, Spot does not respond to verbal commands. Goodbye Spot. He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers Feline Supplement #25.
Worf: I understand.
Data: And he will require water, and you must provide him with a sandbox. And you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat.
Worf: I will feed him.
Data: Perhaps that will be enough.

Instant gratification is not soon enough.
--Meryl Streep

You are either a very brave man, or a very foolish one. In either case, you will tell me what I want to know, or you will be a very dead man.
--Stryfe

I hate shopping with the reality-impaired
--Susan

Not wanting to be rude, but shouldn't you be locked up somewhere?
--Shadowcat, Excalibur #89

Done is better than perfect.
--Anne Mollegen Smith

He's as finicky as a five-times-table and about as lively.
--Mary Stewart

Brevity is the soul of wit.
--William Shakespeare

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
--Dorothy Parker

When men reach their sixties they retire and go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.
--Gail Sheehy

In my own mind I'm still that fat brunette from Toledo and I always will be.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age.

I can't mate in captivity.
--Gloria Steinem

I can't cook. I use the smoke alarm as a timer.
--Carol Siskind

Soap operas are slow moving. If the Titanic had been one, it'd still be sinking.
--Susanne Somers

A happy woman has no cares at all; a cheerful woman has cares and learns to ignore them.

There are an awful lot of skinny people in the cemetery.
--Beverly Sills

Am I getting smart with you? . . . how would you know?
--Scott Straub

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
--August Strindberg

To do is to be.
--Plato

To be is to do.
--Kant

Do be do be do.
--Sinatra

If all the world's a stage, why do only half of us wear makeup?
--Brad Stein

Skimp on your wedding dress. Why spend a lot of money on something you're only going to wear five or six times?

I was married for two years, which is a long time if you break it down into half-hour segments.

I was once a stripper. I took off my jewelry and said, "According to Jewish law, I am now naked."
--Charisse Savarin

A friend said, "I quit smoking cold turkey." What do you smoke now? Ham?
--Yakov Smirnoff

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom.
--Muriel Spark

Sanity is a cozy lie.
--Susan Sontag

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that seperates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.
--Gloria Swanson

It was quite an achievement to look severely, spit-and-polish military mere moments after being fucked, but Klaus pulled it off brilliantly.
--Sylvia, "Peripeteia"

Princess Diana didn't even have a job. She was a princess.
--Arthur Sumter

That's because Spock would only do it every seven years.

She had that moosey quality.

What is a fork but several knives.
--Charlotte Stewart

Whenever I am asked what kind of writing is the most lucrative, I have to say, a ransom note.
--H.N. Swanson (Literary Agent)

...and, hey that's a new level of inappropriate lusting he hadn't previously explored!
--The Spike, "Xander Harris's Really Weird Jar-Jar Sex Dream"

And now let's turn the open flame over to my marshmallow, Jimmy.
--Ben Stein

Fanfiction exists because we want to see our fav characters do something they would never do canonically in a realistic fashion. That's why I think it's natural to have mostly serious fiction written about a funny manga and why so many PWPs and otherwise nonserious fiction is written about dark tv shows. The idea is to see how a character would react in a situation that (most likely) would never be canonically written about him.
--Lirazel Shen

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