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Quotes R

Do not do unto others what you would have them do unto you, because their tastes may be different.
-- Bertrand Russell

My Grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
--Ron Richards

The problem with long distance communications is you can't just reach out and beat someone on the head.
--chris rossi

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake mommy before noon.

Jews don't exercise. I'm sorry. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes--and six months later you have to start all over again.

I was so ugly they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not! They sent it back, "I don't believe it."

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
--Joan Rivers

After two years I said to my boyfriend, "Either tell me your name or it's over."

When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then answer the phone.

When I was having my house remodeled, the painter said he wouldn't spackle, so I told the exterminator to kill him.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

I've killed so many plants my photo has been posted on nursery walls.

When I meet a man, I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

Men think they're more important than women because their jackets have secret inside pockets.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

There's a very old saying: "Neurotics build castles in the air and psychotics live in them . . . ." My mother cleans them.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit. I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I don't even understand how group sex works. What do they say afterwards? Excuse me? Was it good for anybody?

I'm very single. I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married. And I didn't want him to.

In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite and accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

I want to have children and I know my time is running out. I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to care for them.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love--though I've stepped in it a few times.

In Hollywood, a marriage is successful if it outlasts milk.

I work so hard to stay in shape. Whenever I read anything, it says, "Consult your doctor before doing any exercise." It always says that. Does anybody do that? I kind of think my doctor has people coming in with serious problems. I don't think I should call him and say, "Hi, this is Rita. I'm thinking of bending at the waist.

I have a friend who's so into recycling, she'll only marry a man who's been married before.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code . . . he turned himself in.

The way a man plays a game can be very revealing. I was playing tennis with a man I had been dating for a while and noticed his reluctance to keep score properly. He couldn't say, "Thirty-love." He kept saying, "Thirty, I really like you but still have to see other people."
--Rita Rudner

I went shopping last week looking for feminine protection. I looked at all the products and I decided on a .38 revolver.
--Karen Ripley

My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a murder-suicide pact.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

What do prostitutes do at a convention when they let their hair down? Do they wear flat shoes and stand up a lot?

You wanna hear my personal opinion on prostitution? If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. I think every woman should be fat like me.

My husband and I had a really nice wedding. We have a mixed marriage. I'm Jewish and he ain't. For my family, he crushed a beer can under his foot. For his family, I pretended I was a virgin.

You get a lot of tension. You get a lot of headaches. I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
--Roseanne

The poor film editor for the fishing shows. This guy has to watch all the footage that just wasn't exciting enough to make it into the final product.
--Brian Regan

I never made any money till I took off my pants.
--Sally Rand

Chief Justice William Rehnquist had back surgery that kept him away from Supreme Court duties. It had to be fixed. The problem was so bad it had caused the entire Court to lean to the far right.
--Paul Ryan

The Greeks scoffed.
--Lindsay Rowland

We want far better reasons for having children than not knowing how to prevent them.
--Dora Russell

Nobody's last words have ever been, "I wish I had eaten more rice cakes."
--Amy Krouse Rosenthal

I love being a woman because you can cry and you get to wear cute clothes. It must be great or so many men wouldn't be doing it.
--Gilda Radner

Do you want to speak to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what's going on?

A woman's work is never done by men.
--Susan Richman

Honeymoon sandwich: lettuce alone without dressing.
--Susan Richman's mother

A woman is like a teabag--only in hot water do you realize how strong she is.
--Nancy Reagan

Human beings were invented by water as a means of transporting itself from one place to another.
--Tom Robbins

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
--Theodore Roosevelt

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
--Will Rogers

[Literary--minded] men choose Hamlet because every man sees himself as a disinherited monarch. Women choose Alice [in Wonderland] because every woman sees herself as the only reasonable creature among crazy people who think they are disinherited monarchs.
--(swiped from rasftvb5m)

If terrorists are tourists with guns, are tourists terrorists with cameras?
--Road Scholar/Me

Jews and Christians are different in a lot of ways. Some Christian people will actually have religious bumper stickers on their cars. Like "Jesus is King." "The Lord Saves." Jews don't do that. You'll never see "Honk if you love Moses."

My friend is an idiot. He smokes three packs of cigarettes a day. He won't quit, either. His big excuse is, "Why should I quit smoking? Anything could kill me. I could be walking down the street one day and I could be hit by a bus." Maybe if you quit smoking you could cross the street a hell of a lot faster.
--Gregg Rogell

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage he won't even lay down his newspaper.
--Helen Rowland

Things are always darkest before they go pitch black.
--Kelly Robinson

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their pedestals.
--Agnes Repplier

There are no more car thieves. These are nontraditional commuters. Homeless people are full-time outdoorsmen. Prostitutes are sexual maintenance partners.
--Paul Rodriguez

When you're driving, ugly thoughts come up. . . . There've been times when I'm stuck on the freeway and I think to myself, "If half the city died right now, I'd be home already."

You know what's great about coffee? It's the only meal for which the name of the food is also the official name of the event: coffee. "We'll get together for coffee." We don't know what we're doing, but we know what we'll be having--coffee. No one ever talks about getting together for lamb, or Fresca, or grapes. You never hear it because it doesn't quite have the same draw as coffee.

I don't remember names, I remember faces. You should be introduced by the face, or whatever you remember about the person. Forget names. "Big Nose and Short Pants, come here a second. I want you to meet my buddy Hawaiian shirt and a Bad Haircut.
--Paul Reiser

Happiness is the quiet lull between problems.
--Paul Reiser's father

I dated a girl who liked the whole goth thing. Eventually she dumped me for making her happy.
--Ryan, "Conspirare"

A body on vacation tends to stay on vacation unless acted upon by an outside force.
--Carol Reichel

MonaSlash: All Mona, All Fandoms, All Slash, All the Time. {Well, *mostly* slash. And a lot of fandoms. All me, though. And I take requests. Hum a few bars.}
--Mona Ramsey

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