p

Quotes P

Of course, I could be wrong. After all, I only wrote the book. No reason to assume I remember it.
-- PAD

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I got in a fight with a really big guy and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He sad, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple . . . or at least a moderately well-managed Presbyterian Youth Center.

People come up to me and they're worried . . . that I'll reproduce.

. . . and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

I ran three miles today. Finally, I said, "Lady, take your purse."

You know what I hate? Indian givers. . . . No, I take that back.

The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers. Damned anthropologists.
--Emo Phillips

If you don't know where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else.
--Laurence Johnston Peter

Sometimes I like awake at night and ask, "What have I done wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--Peanuts

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter like unrequited love.
--Charlie Brown, Peanuts

A woman's place is in control.
--Lucy, Peanuts

They had an established literary tradition before we even got syphilis.

. . . to crave seeing guys in skirts.
--Anna Pond

Look honey, I brought home some evil.
--Sabrina Presnell

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
--Maryon Pearson

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of their tires.

His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I don't know anything about being a millionaire, but I'm sure I'd be darling at it.

I only require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

What fresh hell is this?!

The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

Every year, back comes spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.

There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but i don't even do that anymore.
--Dorothy Parker

By whom?
--Dorothy Parker, when told she was outspoken

This is on me.
--Suggested by Dorothy Parker for her tombstone

Résumé

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
--Dorothy Parker

People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."
--Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

It wasn't a dark and stormy night. It should have been, but that's the weather for you.
--Terry Pratchett, Good Omens

Geography is just physics slowed down, with a few trees stuck to it...
--Terry Pratchett

A lot of them smart sayings ain't so smart. Like the one about if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Many's the time in this life your cake batter goes in that oven once.
--Chef Princess Pamela

If you're not confused, you're just not thinking clearly.
--Irene Peter

Unfortunately, some people don't hear you until you scream.
--Stefanie Powers

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Now you are supposed to keep earthquake preparedness kits. I'm not keeping canned goods in my apartment for an earthquake. If I get trapped beneath a beam for three days, I'm at least going to lose weight.

Let's all go someplace at once. Act like it's a complete coincidence. They're just having a rush. We don't even know each other. We're just looking at some frozen foods. Then one at a time, we each go up and buy a Slim Jim. Screw up their inventory.
--Paula Poundstone

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
--Pogo

We has met the enemy, and it is us.
--Walt Kelly as Pogo

To do is to be.
--Plato

To be is to do.
--Kant

Do be do be do.
--Sinatra

I used to go fishing until it struck me. You can buy fish. What the hell am I doing in a boat at four-thirty in the morning? If I want a hamburger, I don't track cattle down.
--Kenny Potchenson

There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
--Camille Paglia

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
--Monica Piper

The difference between government bonds and men is that government bonds mature.
--Debbie Perry

Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to "Y2K". It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place.
-- Tony Poldrugovac

Mezzolite Pyren, a self appointed anime character

I try to do that, but sometimes, my mouth runs away with me (and doesn't even have the courtesy to write or call), and I end up rambling incoherently while people around me fall into comas.

Aw, but it's so cliched when the women have the babies

Lars, Lars, Lars--bitch, bitch, bitch. Word association.

Yell 'Sex free-for-all' and you're knocked ass over tea kettle by 154 pounds of Danish munchkin.

If I wanted plastic women, I'd buy a Barbie doll.

It was quick, brutal, and totally unexpected; a drive-by quoting.

Absolute lust corrupts absolutely.

And I think Wal-Mart should overcome their conservatism and settle down with a nice Canadian store, like Tim Hortons. Coffee, clothes, and music--what everyone needs.

Nette notes that pickles are phallic, but not kinky.
--Minette Pinto

He's nice. I just wanna tie him up and lick him like a lollipop.
--Minette Pinto on Rob Lowe

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