Miscellaneous Anonymous Quotes

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

Of all the people I know, you're one of them.

Remember, you are a completely unique and distinct individual, just like everyone else.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.

Think "HONK" If You're A Telepath!

Who wants to take over the world?!? Then you have to *run* it, which is stressful, tedious and absolutely no fun.

Powers? I don't need no stinking powers, I've got a plasma rifle!

I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun

Who put a stop payment on my reality check?!?!

Disobedience was woman's original virtue.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my other handle . . . wait a minute, I'm a little sugar bowl.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Something to contemplate: If you lick the air, does it get wet?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had money, he went to Southern California.

It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

Chopped cabbage, not just a good idea, it's the slaw.

Dijon vu--the same mustard as before.

Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.

Practice safe eating--always use condiments.

I was on a roll, until I slipped on the butter.

I wore a short sleeved shirt today, it is my right to bare arms.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Red ship crashes into blue ship--sailors marooned . . .

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1

Q: What is Quayle-o-phobia?
A: The fear of natural logarithms.
(Hint: Quayle and the letter "e" made news.)

The sky is green
The grass is blue
Rain is purple
And so are you.

People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.

May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door.
--An old Irish blessing

Visualize whirled peas.

Stop the violins.

I'm not weird, I'm gifted.

Personally, I'm not gifted, I'm weird.

When in danger,
When in doubt,
Run in circles,
Scream and shout.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Be ridiculous.

A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

a mind is a terrible thing.

Roosters crow, hens deliver.

So many books . . . So little time.

And, lo, I say to you, it would be easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle if it was well greased first.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, don't.

Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.

Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry.

Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

THINK--it gives you something to do while the computer is down.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.

Discretion is the better part of velour.

Formality breeds contempt.

Old hippies never die, They just go undercover.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?

Life is God's way of preserving meat.

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

Velveeta cheese has so many preservatives that it doesn't have a shelf life . . . it has a half life!

Trespassers will be violated.

No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message.

Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.

The only evidence against evolution are its opponents.

There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Life takes its toll. Bring change.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

Stop Plate Tectonics

Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.

To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.

It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

Now that I have it all, can I give some of it back?

The Road to Enlightenment is Long and Difficult. Bring Snacks and a Book to read.

My Reality Check bounced.

I get plenty of exercise--jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Meetings. The practical alternative to work.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here!

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Stress management in progress.Do not vex.

Don't count your chickens before they cross the road.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

He ended the job as he began it: fired with enthusiasm.

I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.

Clean, dependable, hard working . . . good God what kind of monster have I become?

It's an unthankful job but I've got lots of Karma to burn off.

If I had know I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

Did you ever wonder why they have Braille buttons on the DRIVE-UP ATM machines?

The lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

So much to do, so litt(hang on a sec . . . )

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone . . .

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Speed kills. Switch to Windows95 and save lives!

Were your parents disappointed they never had any children?

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

"Count the Moon." "One." "Whoa . . ."

Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!

I don't live in fantasy; I only work there.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought: "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.

If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked.

For all soldiers: Remember your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.

To err is only human, to forgive is not company policy!

My mind was never what it used to be.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Do catfish have nine lives?

If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?

If those who know won't say, then those who don't know will say.

He that hurts me, but does not kill me, had better have damn good life insurance.

Revenge is a dish best served with a side of obsession and a nice tall glass of spite.

Now Accepting Compliments

NC-17, which means "No Congresspersons or people under 17"

101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet by Alan Meiss, Number 96: "Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it 'dply offnsiv'."

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Two wrongs are only the beginning

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Lenin, Stalin, Marx, Trotsky
We've gotta team that's really hotsky!

Hegel, Kant, Marx, Spinoza
Come on Reed, hit 'em in the nosa!

Tangent, secant, infinite line,
Three point one four one five nine,
Come on Reed, hit that line!

Sometimes I see him the way I first did, and I catch my breath.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

state spelling chimp

If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?

What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what you want them to change it into.

My sig got off the leash and is currently running around the 'net. If found, please return.

Keep a scalpel in your laboratory, a shredder near your files, and don't tell the Feds your data caught fire

Television: Not really work, but still considered a job.

Er, thanks and please laugh cuz I know life could be worse.

My .sig was so clever that it actually escaped!

On the Internet, nobody knows I'm a dog.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

Copywight 1997 Ewmer Fudd. Aw wights wesewved.

a.k.a. "Goddess of Useless Trivia" and other hyperbolic titles...

When you laugh,the world laughs with you;when you don't,the world laughs at you...

Never take life for granite.

Life has a lot of undocumented features.

Absence lessens the minor passions and increases the great ones, as the wind douses a candle and kindles a fire.

Let us open up our natures, throw wide the doors of our hearts and let in the sunshine of goodwill, mercy and kindness.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

The problem with reality is the lack of background music.

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt and Dance like no one's watching

The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

What part of "gestalt" don't you understand?

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

After all is said and done, no matter how famous or important a man may be, the size of his funeral is going to depend a lot on the weather.

What men want is a sexually experienced virgin.

If silence is a weapon, then I am defenseless!

Dorothy got lost in Oz because three men were giving her directions.

Enjoy life--this is not a dress rehearsal.

You can talk to a man about anything. He won't understand, but you can talk to him.

I haven't yet met Mr. Right, but I've met Mr. Cheap, Mr. Rude, and Mr. Married.

Some guys find intelligence a turn-on, but most will take the twit over the wit any night of the week.

We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.

Orgasms are fun. Therapy is expensive. You choose.

Chatty little caffeine junky now aren't we?

Bill Gates having sex? That's just wrong, sick AND wrong - SICK, and also WRONG!
--A slasher who shall remain nameless, at Escapade 2000

If reality wants to get in touch with me, it knows where I am...

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Men watch football, we write slash. What's the difference?
--Eclecticon '99

You know, you're probably the only person alive who can see the word "Microsoft" and instantly think "colliding dicks"!
--conversation overheard somewhere between LA and Vegas

It's a little on the hearty side. It's a bit stewish.
--waiter at Carolina Brewery

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