m

Quotes M

I'm terrified of being trapped in a folding bed. I'm a claustropedic.
--Carolyn May

I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
--Michael McShane

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie day.
--Jay Mohr

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
--Iris Murdoch

Hey, you! You seem sick and twisted enough for the character I'm writing. Show me what a bad idea a relationship with you is!
--Misha, the flirt

Politics have no relation to morals.

Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.
--Niccolo Machiavelli

Women want mediocre men, and men are working to become as mediocre as possible.

I think extreme heterosexuality is a perversion.
--Margaret Mead

I'm from a large Irish Catholic family. Large Irish Catholic. It's kind of redundant.

I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear fighting over a belt? The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love.

I couldn't throw a ball. There's a problem you see in an Irish Catholic family. The boy that can't throw the ball is going to be the priest.
--John McGivern

Reality is something you rise above.
--Liza Minelli

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural things that money can buy.

I'm not into that one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them.

Do you know how many polyesters died to make that shirt?
--Steve Martin

This certifies that you have had a personal encounter with me, and that you found me warm, polite, intelligent, and funny.
--Steve Martin's "business" card

Having money is just the best thing.

I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.
--Madonna

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
--Imelda Marcos

We cannot take anything for granted, beyond the first mathematical formulae. Question everything else.
--Maria Mitchell

Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.
--Margaret Mitchell

My literary agenda begins by acknowledging that America has transformed me. It does not end until I show how I--and the hundreds of thousands like me--have transformed America.
--Bharati Mukherjee

My wife is a very dominant woman. She walks on the very ground that I worship.

In a 'USA Today' interview, Vanna White said since her son has been born, she wants to work less. Vanna, you turn *tiles* for a living. If you worked any less, you'd be the triangle player in the K.C. and the Sunshine Band.

Congress wants to require television manufacturers to install a V-Chip which would keep children from viewing violent or explicit programming. The chip would cost about $500 and would replace the current free-of-charge device known as the on-off switch.

The Japanese are threatening to retaliate in the ongoing trade war by making VCRs even more difficult to program.

I spent a couple of months in Paris. I lived in a really rough neighborhood, on a little street called Rue the Day.

Baskin-Robbins this week introduced Polar Pizza, an ice cream-and-cookie frozen confection made to resemble pizza. Pizza chains immediately threatened to sue, saying that they have exclusive rights to deliver ice-cold pizza.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. You perform surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that can happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

Spent the afternoon listening to self-improvement tapes. Now I'm feeling a little inadequate. I don't have the CDs.
--Dennis Miller

Cam is borderline.

I'm going to be a non-congenial social committee chair.

I was the spaciest young child in the world.
--Laura McPherson

It's ice cream and it's sorbet and it's not.
--Laura McPherson on gelato

. . . indicating it was time to bring on the funk.

They still have to scream on key.
--Kendell MacQueen

Puritanism--the haunting fear that someone, somewhere might be happy.

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to resort to mathematics to avoid pregnancy, although she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.
--H. L. Mencken

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
--Debbie Marsh, happy Glock [pistol] owner

One thing about inviting trouble--it generally accepts.
--Mae Maloo

Life is not one damn thing after another, it's one damn thing over and over.
--Edna St. Vincent Millay

You sleep with a guy once and next thing you know he wants to take you to dinner.
--Yori Meyers

Never eat more than you can lift.

Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.

Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store.

Continental breakfasts are very sparse. My advice is to go right to lunch without pausing.
--Miss Piggy

One need not be married to achieve status.
--Miss Piggy's reply when asked about her marital status

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

I wouldn't say I invented tack, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on "how to"?
--Bette Midler

No matter what your religion, you should try to become a government program, for then you will have eternal life.
--Lynn Martin

If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last vacation.
--Helen Mundis

A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.

I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy.

I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.
--Marilyn Monroe

I was content to choose music and laughter as a substitute for a husband.
--Elsa Maxwell

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
--Maugham

When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a correction and can even makes some changes for you.
--Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide.

It is now safe to turn off your dinosaur.
--Microsoft Barney 98++ Enterprise Edition

Moses dragged us through the desert to the one place in the Middle East where there is no oil.
--Golda Meir

When men are oppressed, it's tragedy; when women are oppressed, it's tradition.
--Bernadette Mosala

If joggers could jog at the speed of sound, would they still be able to hear their Walkmans?
--Jeff Marder

You're the illegitimate product of the spawn of Fonseca.

Be there or be roughly triangular.
--Erin McPherson

I prefer liberty to chains of diamonds.
--Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

Scientists say that you can get cancer from the radiation thrown off by your electric blanket. I'm so depressed. Here I am, fifty-six years old, and the most dangerous thing I've ever done in bed is turn on the blanket.
--Anita Milner

All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.
--Marya Mannes

Whenever anything bad happens to me, I write a joke about it. Then it isn't a bad experience. It's a tax deduction.

One important thing came out of the Persian Gulf War. They now have a Playboy channel in Kuwait where women do naughty things like work and vote.
--Denise Munro

I was on the bus and the guy in front of me went into convulsions, started swallowing his tongue, shaking, sweating, and puking. His friend was with him and he was like, "Oh man, he was drinking for fifty-five days straight. We have to get him off the bus now." We stop, get him off the bus and I'm thinking, "Oh great. Now who is going to drive?"

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. "Yeah, I found everybody."
--Kathleen Madigan

Girls, do you retain water? I retain pizzas and Twinkies.
--Etta May

New York really messes up your perspective, doesn't it? Even in the little things. Like the other night I was watching The Diary of Anne Frank. Now I used to have a normal reaction to that movie--I felt bad for that poor family trapped in their tiny little attic. Now I'm looking at going, "This is a great apartment. That skylight, that bookcase you go through--it's fabulous."
--Frank Maya

Most sermons sound to me like commercials--but I can't make out whether God is the sponsor or the product.

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.
--Mignon McLaughlin

I don't understand why gay people want to be in the military . . . 'cause they only get one outfit to wear.
--Kevin Maye

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me, I quit."

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

I got the chance to go to Aaron Spelling's house. He's a rich guy. He's so rich that his handyman actually is Tim Allen.
--Bill Maher

Bill Maher: "There are *some* straight people, Clive."
Clive Barker: "Yes, but are they talented?"

In the United States of America, there are over 25,000 sex phone lines for men. You know how many there are for women? Just three. Apparently for women, if we want someone to talk dirty and nasty to us, we'll just go to work.
--Felicia Michaels

My sister didn't have such a good day. She's asthmatic and in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. The guy on the other end of the line said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

You know the good thing about gangs is, they carpool.
--John Mendoza

Odd, Mulder mused, considering that homosexuals rarely had abortions.
--mocomab, "Things to do in Denver"

When life throws you lemons . . . well, let's just say I always SUCKED at dodgeball.
--Gordon Menessoir

Perhaps there is something deep and profound behind all those sevens, something just calling out for us to discover it. But I suspect that it is only a pernicious, Pythagorean coincidence.
--George Miller, "The Magical Number Seven"

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
--Charlie McCarthy

Disclaimer: Of *course* they belong to someone else. If they were mine, things would be different.

Try when someone comments on all the teenaged boys groping and making out, you think it's cute. But then when that someone clarifies things and explains that the guys are kissing their girlfriends, you say, "Oh, that's *disgusting*."

Databases are evil, especially when the people entering the information have been smoking the cheap crack. I keep telling them that the extra five bucks are worth it, but they never listen.
--meagan

Notes: *I* wanted these two to get nekkid and make this NC-17, but Oz just wouldn't cooperate. He kept insisting that he's not that easy.
--meagan, "The Plan"

Hey, we're college students who fight evil part-time. Or maybe we fight evil and go to college on the side. Either way, take-out is a major component of our diet, and plastic utensils make up a good portion of our cutlery.
--meagan, "What Wasted Looks Like"

But the vampire was in cryptic mode, unwilling to draw pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what they were.
--meagan, "A Bad Idea"

Yes, I am an agent of evil, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
--Magpie

Courtesy would be his downfall, in the end. Not demons, not vampires, not male-pattern baldness, but the unfailing compunction to brew a pot of tea for every wayward soul who showed up at his door.
--Mad Poetess, "Homeless?"

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
--Meghan

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