l

Quotes L

Conservatives should learn the difference between a sin and a crime, and liberals should learn the difference between a virtue and a requirement.

First they came for the fourth amendment, but I said nothing because I wasn't a drug dealer. Then they came for the sixth amendment, but I kept quiet because I wasn't guilty. Finally they came for the first amendment, and by then it was too late to say anything at all.
--Nancy Lebovitz

Sex under the Liberty Bell beats anything you can do atop Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's tombstone.
--LilXPhile

Now Prince Charles is coming out with a book that says he slept with Princess Di.

I looked up politics in the dictionary and it's actually a combination of two words: "poli," which means "many," and "tics," which means "bloodsuckers."

Scientists believe that monkeys can be taught to think, lie, and even play politics within their community. If we can just teach them to cheat on their wives we can save millions on congressional salaries.

Heidi Fleiss has a point. You know what happens to a woman who is arrested for prostitution? She goes to jail. You know what happens to a man? He gets reelected.

The atheists have produced a Christmas play. It's called Coincidence on 34th Street.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM are expected to double or even triple. Basically the ATMs have become full-service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM, the ATM robs you. You eliminate the middle man.
--Jay Leno

If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star.
--Jay Leno's fifth-grade report card

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth

If you're sure everything will be okay, you've overlooked something.

Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
--Ann Landers

What a commentary on our civilization, when being alone is considered suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it--like a secret vice!

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Housework isn't bad in itself--the trouble with it is that it's inhumanely lonely.
--Pat Loud

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
--Abraham Lincoln

From the jaws of victory, he snatched defeat.
--Abraham Lincoln about Gen.George McLellan

His evil plan was well on its way.
--Grant Lee

You have been accused of using a Christian name in a debate about agnosticism.

I don't have feelings anymore.

Kurt Cobain, who really did not have fashion sense . . .

That does not make for a happy HANDSOME MONKEY KING.

When you do dip a head in tar, it lasts and lasts and lasts.
--Jason S. Luck

They say that women talk too much. If you have worked in congress you know that the filibuster was invented by men.

No good deed goes unpunished.
--Clare Booth Luce

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.

There is no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Bookstore pickup line: "Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?"

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

I knew school was back in session because I saw a postman buying some ammunition from a New York City schoolboy.

If you say the glass is half full, you're an optimist. If you say the glass is half empty, you're Ted Kennedy.

At Disney World, they are now revamping "The Pirates of the Caribbean." You know, that ride, "The Pirates of the Caribbean?" They're revamping it so that from now on, the pirates will be chasing the food, not the women. Coincidentally, this is President Clinton's number-one New Year's resolution.

Earth Day was held recently. In honor of that event, I decided that I am just going to use recycled jokes.
--David Letterman

Dad, I'm still amazed that you did it with Mom!
Happy Father's Day and forget all that stuff I said on Oprah.
Hey, fatty, easy on the fries. Love, Chelsea
--Father's Day cards as seen on The Late Show With David Letterman

A friend is someone who knows your own personal song, and is there to sing it for you when you forget it.
--Logan

I've got everything I've always had. Only it's six inches lower.
--Gypsy Rose Lee

Life is terribly time consuming.

I'm as good a mother as the next repressed, obsessive-compulsive paranoiac.
--Anne Lamott

I don't exercise. My philosophy is: No pain, no pain.

My marriage didn't work out. I was a human being and he was a Klingon.
--Carol Leifer

My niece was in The Glass Menagerie at school. They used Tupperware.
--Cathy Ladman

Did you know that Friday the 13th comes on a Tuesday this month?
--Churchy La Femme

After you've been married for a while, the women will start choosing your clothes. If you protest they'll say, "Dressing is a privilege. You abused it and now you've lost it."
--Cary Long

I'm going to marry again because I'm more mature now and I need some kitchen stuff.
--Wendy Liebman

Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified performance.
--Helen Lawrenson

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. The animals get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
--Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep.

Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.

Sports are dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing but the right to trial by jury.
--Fran Lebowitz

The people I'm furious with are the women's liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are better than men. It's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
--Anita Loos

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
--Hedy Lamarr

I want to show people that limits exist only in your mind; that you can do anything you want to do if you put enough time and effort into it.
--Nancy Lieberman

It seems obvious from the start that I should use my womanness as an asset rather than a liability.
--Estée Lauder

Why the French hate Americans: Years ago, they gave us the croissant--"le cwa-soh"--and what'd we do? We turned it into a "croissandwich." Thank you very much.

You seen these people who are using the Stairmaster. Have we turned into gerbils, ladies and gentlemen?
--Denis Leary

My parents were worried about me getting married. . . . So I got married. But, they have one problem with it . . . She's black. . . . But she's a doctor so that's okay.
--Marla Lukofsky

I did a benefit in a gymnasium in the South. It was kind of scary. They had a scoreboard: Hecklers 8, Jew Comic nothing.
--Richard Lewis

The most heinous crime ever perpetrated by George Lucas was to cast [Natalie] Portman in "The Phantom Menace" and then belabor her with that red robe, the geisha lipstick, and a couple of cow horns strapped to the side of her head.
--Anthony Lane

Beauty is a mystery. You can neither eat it nor make flannel out of it.
--David Herbert Lawrence

I am sick to death of straight people. Tell the truth, aren't you? There's just too goddamn many of them. I was in a bank the other day; they were everywhere -- writing checks, making deposits. Two of them were applying for a mortgage. It's disgusting! They're taking over. No one wants to talk about it, but it's true.
--Love! Valour! Compassion!

They missed the kickoff trying to get a distinctly non-Euclidean easy chair through a geometrically conservative doorway, then lost two minutes of the first quarter deciding who to blame.
--Meredith Lynne, "Kickoff"

Maybe she did press the envelope at times, but it was getting to the point that she couldn't innocently draw a picture or mention navel rings.
--Diane Long "Much Ado About Everything"

Or you've got the Canadian history route (brief rundown: not much happened).
--Loopy

finally, a place where i can say that and no one would stare at me and call mental help ambulance
--Lizz

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