b

Quotes B

I am not religious, I am neither a war hawk or a peace dove, and Aristotle's logic is too limited. Just call me a Fuzzy Atheist Owl.
--barrie

A lot more people, so of course we have more sheep.

I like the word 'pillage'. People should use it more often.

Federal Trade Comission. Wow. It's like communist art.

Senator-- President--. Handsome Monkey King.

Everybody likes Spike - it's the accent.
--Catherine Blair

I believe in a lively form of disrespect for most forms of authority.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
--Rita Mae Brown

I'm glad that I didn't have another TV fall on my head today.
--Mary Ballard

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Basically, a tool is an object that allows you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"

Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has eighty-four ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other eighty-one ties, his wife will probably laugh at him.

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme from The Beverly Hillbillies.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of reincarnation, but there's a lot of evidence that it's real. Exhibit A is Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous existence, was a slab of Formica.

The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
--Dave Barry

The latest fad, giving birth under water, may be less traumatic for the baby, but it's more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

I'd like to open a restaurant for single people. You walk in and it's all sinks. No tables and chairs. Everyone eats standing over the sink.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always unlocking three.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

People want to take sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. . . . Hey, I took algebra. I never do math.

The only difference between Catholics and Jews is Jews are born with guilt and Catholics have to go learn it in school.

It's hard to talk to divorced men--always sensitive from the divorce. Take things the wrong way. "Nice day don't you think?" "I don't want to make a commitment." "Want half of my ice cream?" "I don't want half of anything anymore."

I did see one new great brand: extra-supersensitive condoms. I thought, "Wow! These must hang around and talk to you after the guy leaves!"

My uncle got a vasectomy. Put it on Master Card. Forgot to pay. The finance company came over and knocked up his wife.

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity--if you have the knowledge you use it. Hey, I took algebra. I never do math.
--Elayne Boosler

Like my fellow freshmen colleagues, I was a victim of the summer mailing.
--Brandon Briscoe

All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality--the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape.
--A.C. Benson

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
--Robert Bloch

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
--Asleigh Brilliant

I could do it all for you, but I don't want to.
--BNL

A true friend is one who tells you she saw your old boyfriend . . . and he's a priest.

When my children become unruly, I use a playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Gravity always wins.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
--Erma Bombeck

If goodness is its own reward, shouldn't we get a little something for being naughty.
--Lauren Bacall

I'm not the public.
--Lauren Bacall on being told that a store was not open to the public

I thought I told you to wait in the car.
--Talullah Bankhead, on seeing an old lover for the first time in years

The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it.

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic. And the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
--Talullah Bankhead

The Soviet Union was bound to fall. It was way out on the edge of the map.
--Kelly Bundy

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?
--George E. Bradley

What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.
--Pearl Bailey

Things always look better when you can't see them.

Power interrupts. Uninterruptable power interrupts absolutely.

New studies show that 100% of all smokers die.
--Craig Bruce

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
--A. Whitney Brown

Q: What do you call the collective life forms who really, really, truly want to play Baseball?
A: The Earnest Borg Nine

Pauly of Borg: "Resistance is FU-tile...You will be ass-IM-I-laaated, buuuuu-DY"

I am Boris of Borg. Moose and Squirrel are irrelevant

We are Wesley of Borg. You will be nauseated.

Sinatra of Borg: Start spreading the news. We're assimilating today. You will be a part of it: the Borg, the Borg.

Q: How do you destroy the new starship "Titanic" (NCX-48654)
A: With a Nice Borg!

We are Pentium of Borg: Division is futile. You will be approximated.

We are Trebek of Borg: For $200, it's futile and starts with R.

We are Ebola of Borg: Vaccines are irrelevant. We are resistant.

We are Bjorn of Borg: Your serve will be returned. You will be humiliated. Advancement is futile.

We are McCoy of Borg: He's assimilated, Jim!

We are Fudd of Borg: Pwepawre to be aswimiwated.

We are Porky of Borg: You will be as . . . assa . . . assim . . . oh, forget it.

BorgerKing: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.

We are Homer of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimmm . . . Mmmmmm Donuts.

I am Hamlet of Borg . . . You are to be, or not to be, assimilated.

Shatner of Borg: "*You* . . . . Will . . . . Be . . . . Assimilated!"

I am Training Manager of Borg, please don't forget to complete the assimilation evaluation form.

We are Pamela Anderson of Borg. You will be implanted.

We are Julius Caesar of Borg : veni, vidi, assimiliti.

I am Fox Mulder of Borg . . . the assimilation is out there.
I am Dana Scully of Borg . . . no it's not, Mulder.

I am George Lucas of Borg. You will be remastered.

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

If you will practise being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
--Richard Bach, Illusions

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
--Mel Brooks

I leave before being left. I decide.
--Brigitte Bardot

Strictly minding your own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?
--Myrtle Lillian Barker

Got to be politically correct. Not even black anymore. Now we're African American. It changes every week. Next week we're "alternately hued." Soon there will be no white people. They'll be "melanin impaired" . . . "pigment challenged" . . . "sunburn efficient."
--Ngaio Bealum

You never know what gutter snipe is waiting for you in the alley. I'm telling all my girlfriends to get into defensive dressing. Believe me, no one comes near you when you are wearing an electric fence. Why not try wearing a live German Shepherd around your neck? It's safe and chic at the same time.

My father was a proctologist, my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I see the world.
--Sandra Bernhard

Veni, vidi, Visa. We came, we saw, we shopped.
--Jan Barrett

I'm at the point where I want a man in my life-but not in my house. Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out.
--Joy Behar

Too bad the only who know how to run this country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
--George Burns

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that they just about throw up.
--Barbara Bush

I work at the local radio station in New York. What I do is get in my car during rush hour and report on helicopter traffic.
--Joe Bolster

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I'm in the market today and a guy runs up behind me and says, "The majority of people who say they are deaf are faking it." I said, "Hey pal, I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that."
--Bruce Baum

Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.
--Dr. Joyce Brothers

Traveling is the ruin of all happiness! There's no looking at a building after you've seen Italy.
--Fanny Burney

It is asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.
--Lillian Bell

I date this girl for two years--and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name."
--Mike Binder

If you want to say it with flowers, remember that a single rose screams in your face: "I'm cheap!"
--Delta Burke

The prerequisite for making love is to like someone enormously.
--Helen Gurley Brown

I was born in Alabama and raised in Georgia. I'm so southern I'm related to myself. I'm the type of Southern Baptist that keeps a picture of Elvis's Last Supper in our living room. . . . Whenever I mention that in my nightclub act, I usually get at least one irate Baptist who says, "You can make fun of Jesus, but leave the King out of it."

I'm from the South--a part of America where beautiful places happen to bad people.
--Brett Butler

If it's so natural to kill, why do men have to go into training to learn how?
--Joan Baez

You can't be fueled by bitterness. It can eat you up, but it cannot drive you.
--Benazir Bhutto

A man is two people, himself and his cock. A man always takes his friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer, being more able to show his feelings.
--Beryl Bainbridge

Just being in a room with myself is almost more stimulation than I can bear.
--Kate Braverman

Neither birth nor sex forms a limit to genius.
--Charlotte Brontë

I was talking to my roommate for next year, and we were talking about how close our room is to the dumpsters:
Evans: Well the good side is that if we ever have a dead body it won't be hard to get rid of it quitely.
Brad: Are you suggesting that we kill someone? Because if you are I can work with that.
Evans: No, but if someone was accidentally killed we could dispose of the body quickly.
Brad: Wait a minute, are we planning an accidental murder????
Evans: I guess so.
--Brad Boswell

Yes, they'd wandered into a kinky frame of mind, but at the heart of it, they were still just three naked people trying to make each other feel good.
--Bone, "The Two-Player Game"

I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.
--Daniel Boone

Be joyful though you have considered all the facts.
--Wendell Berry

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
--Nicholas Murray Butler

Will, why are you the Di-Phi slut?
--Lorrie Bradley

He was trapped in a haircut he no longer believed in.
--Billy Bragg

Bill Maher: "There are *some* straight people, Clive."
Clive Barker: "Yes, but are they talented?"

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